I remember April 9th, 2007 - the day of my husband's (very untraditional) marriage proposal - like it was yesterday. We returned from Atlanta the week before and were now celebrating my first day at my new job. We were sitting in The Cheesecake Factory and I had a steaming plate of creamy mashed potatoes, tender pork chops with apple chutney, and broccoli sitting in front of me. We were having a conversation about people's mental states and whether or not it's ever truly possible to know someone if they want to keep something about themselves from you.
Let me give a little background here: I was in a very transitional emotional and mental head space, finally giving myself time to heal and grow after living through a hellish string of emotionally abusive and damaging relationships dating back to 2002. I had told myself on New Year's Day of 2007 that I would not get serious about anyone for a long time and that I'd let God be in control when I did. Cue the entry of this educated, compassionate, respectful, tall, gorgeous, Barry White voiced man with locs, a Queens swagger, and a slight Mississippi drawl a little over a week later. I immediately made it clear to him that I wasn't interested in a relationship and that marriage was even further from my mind. In fact, I told him that even if I started thinking about marriage, I'd accept nothing short of a 2 year engagement period.
Fast forward to April and here we were discussing how easily people hide their true selves from others. I believed that it was only under stress that people revealed their true selves to others. To emphasize just how deeply I believed what I was saying, I told him that, even though I was deeply attracted to him physically, mentally, and emotionally, and even if we dated for my requisite time period, I'd never marry him unless I saw him under extreme situations, specifically, crying, extremely angry, incredibly ecstatic, etc.. To this, he chuckled, as he often did when he knew he was about to render me speechless. He said, "So if I asked you to marry me right now, you'd say no?" {insert long pause coupled with dumbfounded look} Let me reiterate that I had convinced myself that I didn't want to be married ever; yet, my heart skipped a beat as I quickly realized that, not only did I want to be married, but that I wanted to be married to
thisman - he was my soulmate.
Fast forward 7 years and my husband and I have been married for a little less than 6 years. Soulmate or not, we have certainly had our ups and downs, our hardships and trials, our joys, successes, and failures. Few people had really talked to me in detail about the kind of struggles that most marriages inevitably face. Sure everyone said that we'd fight because of communication, money, and/or sex. But no one told me what to do, in a very real way, when you're so angry with the person you love more than anyone else that you can barely think. I thought I was all alone in my marital struggles and, of course, everyone had advised me not to share my troubles with anyone. So what was I supposed to do? I felt alone. Thankfully I had a handful of very trusted people I could talk to, but few of them were ever married. While they offered me the advice they thought best, it's hard to advise someone on something you've never experienced. My husband and I could have really benefitted from the advice of other married couples. In fact, had we known that the feelings we felt and the experiences we had weren't that uncommon, we would have both felt a lot less stress. My hope is that, with this blog, others can share their stories, anonymously or publicly, and how they got through the things that have the ability to make your soulmate into a thorn in your side and rip marriages apart. All I ask is that the stories and feelings be real. Perhaps this blog can help someone else who might be going through something.
Let the journey begin...
~*CAT8*~
"But no one told me what to do, in a very real way, when you're so angry with the person you love more than anything that you can barely think." My current situation! My current situation - as in lying in bed this instant, Blue. Mad. There is no manual on marriage. We received good Christian counseling, we are prayerful people and I know that we love each other more than life...but still the hard days can take you to the lowest of valleys in your mind. You're right when you say that it's more stressful when you think no other couple is going through this. I know you and your husband and I'm convinced you guys don't even argue. Then again, some might look at my relationship and think it isn't filled with struggle either. That's because we're taught to keep up appearances and the illusion of a happy home. I'm grateful for your blog. Thanks for opening up - clearly there's at least one other woman in the same boat :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for your thoughts. We definitely argue, lol. No one seems to believe that though, which honestly makes it a LOT harder to find someone to talk to. Especially coming from a culture where, as you said, keeping up appearances is everything. Your feedback is very appreciated.
Deletehttp://www.lauragutman.com.ar/mitos-mentiras-y-supuestos-de-la-vida-en-pareja/
ReplyDeleteI thought this was a really good post by Argentine psychologist Laura Gutman. I hope someone on here can read Spanish. Here is an English Summary, not word-for-word translation:
1) Many people get married because they mistake other things for love that aren't love. For example: attraction, desire, and needs such as safety, companionship, etc.
2) At some point, the illusion wears off and those things about one's partner that were always there all along become intolerable. And the blame game begins.
3) If we can get over the idea that it's the other person's fault, we can be honest about whether we ever loved them, what was the real reason we desired them. And most importantly, whether we can and are willing to begin to love them now. As in, give of ourselves without expecting something in return.
Thank you for this article :)
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